Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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