they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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