Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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