I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Did I show you my penis last night?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
