new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
