Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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