so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
