How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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