and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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