Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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