my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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