So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize