just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
