My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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