Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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