I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
