Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
