I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
