I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
