this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
