Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
