One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
