Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize