come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
