I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
