I just cut my nipple shaving
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
