..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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