I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
