I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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