I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
