i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
