i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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