I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
