Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
