During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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