party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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