As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
