I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
