Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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