I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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