i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
