Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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