Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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