we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
