We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
