You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
