My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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