He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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