Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
