i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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