For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
