Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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