i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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