i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
