Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
