I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
