not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I came so hard my ears popped.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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