Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
