"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
