You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
