Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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